Is texting you at ungodly hours of the morning inappropriate?

Last night I was going to text you at 12:30-ish because I was feeling shitty and I haven’t heard from you in too long. But then I decided that for once you were okay, well kind of, and you’d finished with exams and you didn’t need to be worrying about me. And I hate feeling desperate and pulling you down especially when you thought I was alright too and so I left it alone. Because you haven’t sent me a message like that in a while - and if that’s because you have someone else who you’d rather talk to, that’s alright. I don’t want to ruin that, and I don’t want to be the one stuck holding on to this when you’ve moved on. So I didn’t send it.

I woke up at 3:24am from a nightmarish dream, jolted out of my sleep and I needed to hear from you then. I needed you to know and care. I needed to know you were still alive, still breathing, that your heart was still beating. I needed you to hold me - but that was impossible, physically because we’re on two different sides of the city and emotionally because we’re friends, nothing more - never were, never will be. But I needed you there beside me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear and holding me while the shaking subsided.

But…it was 3:24am and I’m trying to be strong.

I’m trying my best to be strong in order not to fuck this friendship up.I’m trying my best to be strong and that means not sending you tearful texts at 3:24 in the morning telling you I love you and need you and miss you and want you. Being strong means that I have to stop telling you everything that goes through my head in a last ditch attempt to make you listen to me, to make you care about me.

Being strong means realising that you can’t be there for me like that anymore, that you never really were.

I miss you. I love you. I need you.