I’m sorry I let the darkness carry away my willpower. Staring up at the stars, my heart knew no consequences. Suddenly, laying there on that dock, I saw an opportunity to speak. To finally tell you everything I’d been holding back for years. And while whispering my secrets into the night sky, I didn’t stop to consider the inevitability of sunrise. I failed to remember why we’d maintained the careful distance between us for so long. So I’m sorry for moving too close. For resting my head on your chest, closing my eyes, and wishing you’d never let go. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop myself from telling you everything. I knew I should have held my tongue, and let things stay the way they were, but I wanted the idea of you and me so much. I wanted it, but when you asked me to follow-through, the illusion shattered, and I couldn’t lie to myself for a second longer. I couldn’t go through with it.

A month after telling you I couldn’t be your girlfriend, I agreed to be his, under the same impossible circumstances. Now you think I’m a hypocrite. You think I lied. But what I’ll never get to tell you is that I turned you down because I cared about you more than I did about him at the time. You didn’t deserve to be somebody’s second best. It wasn’t enough that I liked you, even after seeing past your walls, and it wasn’t enough that the touch of your hand made me feel electric and invincible. Why don’t you understand that I just wouldn’t have been able to be your everything? To be the girl that changed you. To be your first, and maybe your last. I couldn’t handle that responsibility, and as cliche as it sounds, I didn’t want to risk our friendship . But above all else, I absolutely didn’t want to be the girl that could potentially break your heart. I couldn’t live with your blood on my hands, so I said no.

Flash forward six months. After trying so hard to avoid hurting you, I’ve managed to go down in your memory as the heartless hypocritical bitch who stabbed you in the back out of spite. I will never forgive myself for the way things turned out. And I want you to know how truly sorry I am.

But I really wish you knew how much it fucking hurts that you can call me all these horrible things, when I never once called you out on any of your faults. Yet I’m the hypocrite?